Are you an assertive communicator? Or do you feel anxious and tend to be more on the passive side? Have you ever been told you’re aggressive?
Here’s an important question:
What’s the difference between assertive and aggressive?
Yes, we want to be assertive. No, we don’t want to be aggressive.
So, how do we differentiate between the two? In this week’s episode of Talk About Talk, How to Become a Bold, ASSERTIVE Communicator | Ivna Curi (ep. 198), you’ll find out.
Ivna Curi and I met on LinkedIn. She’s a leadership coach and TEDx speaker. She had me at “bold, unapologetic, and assertive!” Curi leads practical workshops that empower leaders to navigate hard conversations with confidence. She’s also the host of the Speak Your Mind Unapologetically podcast, a Forbes contributor, and the author of Unapologetic Voice.
My conversation with Curi is a playbook for leaders and ambitious professionals who want to speak up, be heard, and communicate with impact
Here’s your cheat sheet:
1️⃣ What “bold” and “unapologetic” really mean
As Curi explains, being bold and unapologetic is not about venting, oversharing, or being blunt.
It’s about expressing yourself fully and respectfully, your thoughts, ideas, and boundaries, with the purpose of influence.
“Bold means speaking with conviction,” Curi told me. “Being decisive. Not holding back out of fear of making others uncomfortable.”
Respectful and influential. That’s the balance.
2️⃣ Assertive vs. aggressive: the key difference
Take note: This is where many people get assertiveness wrong.
“Aggressive communication tries to control others,” Curi said. “Assertive communication means controlling ourselves and our delivery so we can influence others.”
That simple shift changes everything.
Language helps too. Replace “you” statements with “I” statements:
- ❌ “You disrespected me.”
- ✅ “When this happened, I felt overlooked, and it impacted our team discussion.”
Be future-focused, not blame-focused:
“Going forward, I’d appreciate it if…” instead of “You always…”
These small communication tweaks make a big impact.
Watch the first few minutes of Steve Jobs’ iconic 2007 iPhone speech to see exactly what Gallo means when he calls Jobs “the world’s greatest brand storyteller.”
3️⃣ How to move along the continuum toward assertiveness
Confidence doesn’t appear first, courage does.
Curi explains that people who avoid confrontation often think they need to feel confident before they speak up. But real confidence comes from doing it: practicing, experimenting, and getting feedback.
If you tend to be more passive, expect to overcorrect at first. You might sound too forceful. That’s okay. With support from your manager and some practice using frameworks (like the one below), you’ll quickly find your balance.
As Curi put it, “It becomes a positive upward cycle of confidence and influence.”
Bonus insight: Where to start
You know I love a good framework!Curi shared the DESO (or DESC) Framework for having difficult conversations. If you struggle to be assertive, this will be helpful for you.
Here’s the DESO Framework:
- D – Describe the situation. Start with “I noticed…” The more specific you can be, the better.
- E – Explain your sentiment/impact In business, emphasize the impact on you, the team, your client, etc (“This makes me feel…”).
- S – Specify your request. I love calling it an invitation (“Going forward, I would appreciate…”).
- O (or C) – Outcomes/Consequences. Give a reason to accept the invitation (“That way, we get the most collaboration…”).
Then confirm & close with the relationship (“Does that work with you?… Thank you… I appreciate your collaboration.”)
Stick to this and you’ll sound clear, confident and in control (not controlling!).
Keep in mind the advice I always give with frameworks: “It’s not a script, it’s a guideline you can customize.”
Great communication is not about controlling others; it’s about controlling ourselves and expressing ourselves, respectfully, and with influence. I hope you feel encouraged to be courageous and speak assertively!
Check out my full interview with Curi in the latest episode of Talk About Talk, How to Become a Bold, ASSERTIVE Communicator | Ivna Curi (ep. 198). Listen (or watch) on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Talk soon,
Dr. Andrea Wojnicki
executive communication coach