Dealing with Difficult People at Work – Part 2

I don’t talk about my family very often in these newsletters. This week will be an exception.

Our theme this week is “​dealing with difficult people​.”

No, I’m not going to talk about the difficult people in my family! (In fact, if I had to say, that’s probably me.)

Rather, I’m going to share with you some sage advice that my Dad gave me decades ago. Advice that I tested – and it works. You’ll also learn two other frameworks to help you deal with difficult people:

1. When things get out of hand: the step-by-step escalation sequence
2. How to respond depending on who’s being difficult
3. Advice from Andrea’s Dad on how to deal with a difficult boss

1️⃣ Dealing with Difficult People – Step-by-Step: The Escalation Sequence

Have you ever wondered, “How do I know when it’s the right time to escalate a situation with a difficult person? When should I get H.R. involved?”

You’re right to think carefully about this. As a leader or aspiring leader, you don’t want to appear unskilled at interpersonal dynamics. Remember what I shared ​last week​: as a leader, dealing with difficult people is part of your job.

Sometimes though, things become too negative, too unproductive. Whether someone’s undermining you, sabotaging you, interrupting you, or making inappropriate comments, try this step-by-step sequence:

1. Document what you’ve observed.
   • Send yourself an email describing the situation
2. Casually reference it to the person. Keep it light.
   • “I’m going to finish my thought, then you can take the mic!”
   • “Can someone catch me up on this morning’s meeting? Somehow I didn’t see the invitation.”
3. Publicly and directly reference it. Call it out.
   • “That’s the third time you’ve interrupted me in this meeting… “
   • “Can you clarify? Are you saying…?”
4. Check in with others. Find an ally.
   • Make it clear that you are not gossiping.
   • Ask an ally if they have noticed the behavior. If yes, consider whether there’s a way they can call it out.
5. Privately and directly ask the difficult person to stop.
   • Ask if you can speak with them privately.
   • Label the behavior you’ve observed and ask them to stop.
6. Escalate it.

Typically, if you follow these steps, you won’t need to escalate it.

If you do reach step six, H.R. will ask when you first noticed the behavior, whether you asked them to stop, and whether others have observed the same behavior. You have everything you need.

2️⃣ Who’s Being Difficult?

How you should respond to difficult people depends, of course, on who it is:

NO ONE

• In difficult, challenging situations where no one person is being difficult, this is an ideal opportunity for you to corral the group. Focus on what you can do together to overcome this difficult situation. This is when you challenge and celebrate your team.

YOUR CLIENT OR CUSTOMER

• First: pause. Don’t be reactionary. Stay in control.
• Focus on the issue, not on the person. You could say, “I understand how this would be very frustrating,” or “Let’s work on this together. I think we can solve this.”
• Rather than saying “you,” use the word “we.”

YOUR SUBORDINATE

• Be objective. Highlight the values and expectations of the organization, and how your subordinates’ behaviors are not aligned. Share resources that the organization provides.
• Offer your mentorship or guidance.

YOUR PEER

• Get personal. Invite them out for coffee or lunch. Develop rapport. Suggest working together as a team.

YOUR BOSS

• This is where it gets tricky! Two suggestions: 1.) Treat it as a learning experience. (Now I know how NOT to act when I get promoted!) and 2.) Take my Dad’s advice (below).

EVERYONE

• Is everyone being difficult? If yes, I suggest you look in the mirror. It’s probably you. Whenever I catch myself wondering, “Why is everyone being so difficult today?”, that’s when I realize – it’s me.

3️⃣ Advice from Andrea’s Dad on how to deal with a difficult boss

I miss my Dad’s sage advice on so many things.

Here’s a quick story about a time I asked my Dad how to deal with a difficult boss. I was in my 20s, and my boss was known to be very difficult. Things became untenable for me when I was leading a cross-functional team on a new product launch.

My boss identified several criteria before we could launch this new product (low product cost, high customer satisfaction, etc). After months of hard work, my team exceeded all the launch criteria. When I formally presented the new product to my boss, he decided to change the criteria. I almost lost my mind. How was this fair? And what was I supposed to say to my team?

I remember going to the parking garage, getting in my car, and calling my Dad. I shared the story with him and asked him, “Dad, what should I do?” That’s when he asked me this very important question:

“…Because if his values reflect those of the organization, you need to get out. If not, if he’s an anomaly, then it usually works out.”

In this case, my boss was the anomaly. So I took my Dad’s advice and rode it out. And guess what? My Dad was right. Soon afterwards, my boss was moved to another department, and eventually he was fired.

Thanks Dad.

I hope this advice helps you too!

And if you found this email helpful, please forward it to a friend. Thank you.

Have a great week.

Talk soon,

Dr. Andrea Wojnicki

Executive Communication Coach